Yesterday I got to do one of my favorite things. See my nieces! My sister had to have a colonscopy yesterday morning (all went well) so to give her a bit of a break in the afternoon, my brother in law brought my nieces over after work. Sweet Boo is 5 and Tiny Boo is 4 (yes my sister and BIL are staunch fertiles lol) and they are my joy! Joy! We made pizza together, first rolling out the dough- “it feels fluffy”, then adding the tomato sauce, “i don’t like tomato” “i love tomato” and adding the cheese. Everyone could agree on the cheese, both parmesan and mozarella. Tiny Boo reminds me so much of myself and my sister. She sat there eating the cheese out of the bowl getting it all over herself and all over the floor. Those two girls really fill my heart. And the hugs? Oh the hugs! Love them so. We also made a “dirt” cake. You know crushed oreos that look like dirt with pudding? We put it in layers in a trifle bowl and Tiny Boo asked for a spoon and wanted to eat it right out of the trifle bowl. She is a hoot.
In contrast to yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling sort of blah. That’s been the predominating feeling for a few months now, just “blah.” These past two years dealing with infertility have been such a roller coaster of emotions and it seems like “blah” is just sort of where I’ve landed right now.
I remember when we were first told we could not conceive on our own and would likely need IVF, I used to just put my head on hubby’s chest at night and cry. You’d go through the motions of your day, work, family, friends but somehow when we lay down at night the tears would just come. I would say that maybe God was punishing us. Maybe I’d done something very wrong and didn’t deserve a baby. I was a bad person. I wasn’t good enough. But then that didn’t entirely make sense. If God was punishing me, he was also punishing the hubby. And the hubby is the best person I know. He has an amazing heart, is loyal to a fault and lives for his family. So I don’t say those things or think them quite as often anymore, but I can’t say the thoughts are entirely gone.
It has been a rough road. 3 IVF cycles have resulted in 30 extra pounds on this 5’4″ frame. I gained 5 pounds after the first IVF, which I wasn’t crazy about but I kind of thought it was normal. Hey, they were pumping up my ovaries full of drugs and they retrieved 22 eggs resulting in tons of fluid retention in the days following retrieval. How could I not gain some weight? But the 2 following IVFs and their associated procedures really did a number on my body. That first IVF seemed so “easy” in comparison. With the second and third I had tons of bruising on my belly from the shots, I felt so bloated and so “blocked.” That’s a weird word to use but I just felt like any semblance of a metabolism I had was gone. I was also super emotional ranging from crying at anything and everything to raging with anger. The only things different in those cycles were the Lupron injections and the Vivelle patches. I remember being vigilant about what I was eating, only to weigh myself day after day and consistently put on weight. At a certain point I realized I had to stop obsessing about the weight and focus on the fertility treatments and getting pregnant. I told myself that was the goal and that I could focus on losing the weight later. Little did I know that the hormones had affected my thyroid and I was hypothyroid by that point. In addition to gaining weight, being hypothyroid gave me horrible headaches. So infertility led to thyroid problems and a whole new set of problems to deal with. The initial prescription for synthroid only made things worse. My headaches were so bad that I would literally just want to close my eyes at work and sleep. It wasn’t until I was switched to Levoxyl that I got some relief. But I’m still not myself. That “innocence” thing is gone. The naivete, the feeling that anything can happen, that anything is possible, the lightness from my spirt, is gone. And the weight just exacerbates those feelings. I have to change my habits and really work to get back to me but I’m just not ready yet.
So here we are. The tears have subsided and I’m no longer really stressed about the infertility treatments. Mostly because we’ve been told that there is little we can do to get pregnant ourselves and will likely have to seek a surrogate if we choose to continue this journey. So I’m in this sort of numb place. My sadness is subdued but then so are my joys. And I don’t want to live that way. I know whether we choose to look towards surrogacy or end our journey for a baby (it kills me to even write that), I have to get out of the numb. I know it’s not healthy but I’ve settled there right now. But I know I can’t stay here long.