Still holding on

So hubby and I had a fairly productive weekend on the home reno front.  Saturday we were out all morning at the stone yard in New Jersey looking at marble slabs for our fireplace. The plan is to do stone from top to bottom for a more modern look.  So we picked out some slabs which are hopefully in our price range- I’ll have to call the fabricator later to find out.  I’m sort of on the fence about this though. If we do stone top to bottom, we won’t have a mantel.  Where does one hang their Christmas stockings without a mantel?  I’m starting to think maybe we ditch the stone and instead just do a mantel with tv over the fireplace.  The issue with that is, it’s not all that much less expensive but it makes much less of a statement.  And we’ve really been looking towards resale as we go through this process.  Other than that, we agreed on some pretty lighting but don’t know where to put it yet lol.  Does anyone care about home renovations and design choices?  I feel like all my friends and family are sick of me talking about it and of course I’ve gotten sick of them asking me when my renovation is going to be done.  But huzzah! I can breathe again.  Thank you prednisone and zithromax.

This morning we had a fairly productive call with Dr. Fino.  It looks like barring any unforseen circumstances, we will have a cycle start right before Thanksgiving.    She is also ok with me having an unmedicated FET, ie, no BCPs or estrogen.  I am fine with doing progesterone, but even that she said I can do vaginally rather than the injections.  I’ll just need to make sure my thyroid is in order since I stopped my thyroid meds after we found out our cycle with Dr. Sher back in March would have to be cancelled, so we need to check levels to make sure they are optimal not only for pregnancy but for early fetal development.  When we did our last IVF in October of 2014 I was reading a lot about the effect of thyroid levels on a fetus and there is a theory that lower thyroid levels contribute to autism and developmental issues. We also discussed re-testing the embryo we already transferred and our one remaining.  We had PGD done on them back in May of 2014 but a friend of mine who was cycling at NYU and also had PGD on her embryos had chemical pregnancies and as a result, they retested their embryos and found abnormalities.  They are using a new technology called NGS now- which coincidentally is what Dr. Sher uses.  As a side note, I like how all the “mainstream” clinics poo poo Dr. Sher until his methods are proven superior and then everyone jumps on board.  Oooh, I will have to bring up the issue of my lining.  Because I have endometriosis, I get a beastly lining.  In the past Docs have said a very thick lining is not really an issue, but I want to confirm that.  So I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound and blood tests.  I am feeling pensive excitement.  God willing, the water will be back on at my parents house because there is no way I’m going in for an ultrasound without having showered.  Why do we have no water you ask? Because the lovely city of NY rang our bell in August to inform us that our meter was broken and I’m guessing when they came to correct that they screwed something up because we practically had a flood in the garage on Sunday morning.  My dad said it had to have been a slow leak that eventually broke through.  The city’s 311 system is such a joke. You basically call and log a complaint but there is no way to follow up on anything.  All you ever speak to is an operator who logs your issue.  Someone from DEP actually showed up yesterday, which I have to say I was pretty impressed by given that it was a Sunday, but he had no materials to fix the issue.  So you show up in a city van with nothing in it, to basically tell us yeah I hear you but I can’t fix anything?!  What a waste of time and resources.  He said he would send someone to fix our issue this morning but it’s after 1pm and nothing.  You can imagine how lovely it is trying to wash dishes, use the toilet, and shower sans water.  And the best part is, you can’t get through to anyone to find out what’s happening.  I called 311 again and they said they would log it in again and DEP would call us within 8 hours.  Someone called me to tell me that he got the call but it was not his Dept.  So why are you calling me?  Please route it to the right one.  Did I mention I have no water?

Anyhoo, water issue tangent aside, I started thinking about what if this FET fails?  Hubby was with me this morning on the Fino call and afterwards I asked him if he thinks we’re setting ourselves up for failure.  Like I so don’t want to be on meds, does that mean we’re not giving this transfer the best chance? Should we be on IVIG and intralipids like Dr. Braverman said?  Are we just spinning our wheels?  What if this fails? Is it truly our last one? I will be 40 at the time of transfer, are we to do another stim cycle after that? Will I even have any good eggs left if we wanted to?  I just want this to be our last try.  I want to close this chapter.  I want to move on.  I want to give this transfer everything we have, I want to put all our hopes and dreams into this one little embryo.  All our wishes, all our prayers, all our good intentions.  But if it doesn’t work, I want to be able to say enough is enough. I want to be able to admit that I don’t want to/can’t try anymore.  I know we can’t always have everything within our own timing and based on our plan, and maybe God has something else in store for us, but I do have to be realistic.  It’s unfortunate but even if we decide to keep going, nature doesn’t give us this infinite timeline within which to keep trying.  It’s weird, but I can just see myself holding a baby.  Our baby.  In fact, I am on a rocking chair, in some pajama like frock because what else would you be wearing as a new mom lol, and I’m holding our baby and stroking his?/her? hair.  And I am at peace… I feel content… things are as they should be.  As hard as infertility treatments are, it’s hard to imagine that dream never coming true.

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