Under a bit of a black cloud

I woke up kind of sad this morning.  Sort of sad and agitated at the same time and I’m not really sure why.  Maybe because hubby left yesterday for a work trip and I miss him.  I’m not sure. I just sort of felt like crying.  And it’s the same kind of sad as when we were full into infertility treatments and I’d have the easy out of saying it’s the drugs.  But I’m not on anything. Well technically I’m still on the prednisone for my bronchitis but I don’t think that makes you sad.  It’s really odd because I felt totally fine yesterday.

Last night I mentioned to my mom that we were going to do another transfer and honestly before I even got the words out, I regretted saying anything.  My mom is great.  She is kind and loving and would do anything for us. But at the same time, she is much like everyone else when it comes to infertility.  Rather than ask a couple of questions and say good luck or let me know if you need anything, she becomes chock full of advice.  She started with “you should prepare yourself mentally and physically.”  I was immediately annoyed.  When I asked what she meant, she said, “well, you’ve gained a little weight recently…”  Really?  We have been living with my parents for months. She knows I’ve been trying to diet.  Who tells someone who is actively dieting, hey you should think about losing weight?  I am trying to lose weight but since you’re mentioning it, I guess it’s not working?  I guess I can’t get pregnant because I’m 160 lbs?  It’s just annoying.  And she knows the stress I’m under with work and with trying to finish our home construction, so how would you like me to prepare myself mentally?  And then she asked if we’ve thought about adoption.  I’m telling you about a transfer, why are you jumping to other options?  Maybe my sadness is stemming from that.  I feel like I can’t really share this stuff with my parents without receiving unsolicited advice.  Or maybe I’m sad because I can’t receive advice without taking it as criticism.

I don’t know, I think that nothing she said was actually bad.  It’s just that anything anyone says to me about infertility comes off as “wrong” to me.  It comes off as advice or as if you know more than infertility and my treatments than I do, even though I’ve been in the midst of it for 2 1/2 years.  And then if someone says nothing, I find it rude too. Like hey, you know what I’m going through, it would be nice if you asked how I’m doing.  A simple “how is all that going” would suffice.  Then I could say as much as I want.  Eh, I think I am just hyper sensitive about this and view any comment as criticism.  I can’t think it’s just everyone else, it must be me too in some way.  Maybe I should give people more of a pass.  I don’t know what the right thing is to say, so how can they possibly know?