End of the line?

So at my last meeting with Dr. Fino @ NYU, I asked her to go forward with re-testing our embryos using the new NGS technology.  I called and spoke to a nurse during the week who told me that they hadn’t started the testing and that I needed to notify (and pay) the lab prior to starting the testing.  This sounded weird since at my last appointment, she seemed to indicate that she was going to go forward with the testing.  Anyway, I didn’t have a chance to call the lab, and today I got their machine, so I decided to reach out to Dr. Fino again and see what was going on.  It turns out, she had ordered the testing and just got back the results.  Apparently, the embryo we transferred last October 2014, was in fact normal, but our remaining embryo that we were going to use for an FET cycle has mosaicism. This means that we have no more embryos left for transfer.  So out of 17 eggs retrieved in May 2014, we had one normal?  I know it only takes one, but those are some sucky stats.  She told me that we could go ahead with a transfer and that mosaics will usually not lead to a pregnancy, but honestly, I would not want to transfer knowing there may be something wrong.  The only real option is to cycle.  AGAIN.  And honestly, given that my cycle a year and a half ago resulted in one normal embryo, I don’t know what we’d end up with now.  I am two weeks from turning forty.  I’d have to do everything possible to get good eggs, do another lap.  We’d probably go with Dr. Braverman since NYU pretty much has no idea why I’m failing, in which case most everything would be out of pocket, except probably the laparoscopy.

I don’t really know how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I did not have much hope for this transfer.  Correction- I had all the hope in the world for this transfer, but even with that, I think in my heart I knew it wouldn’t work.  On the other hand, it’s hard to know that the last chance you thought you had, no longer exists.  I was pretty numb when she told me.  I think I’m done crying over infertility.  I’ve gotten used to getting shitty news and this was more of the same.  I called hubby at work to tell him what was going on and he got pretty upset.  More upset than I thought he would. He said it’s one thing to know you have one last shot and another to be told, your last shot was a year ago.  This really sucks balls.  I am so tired of this.  I’m really sick of this process and sick of getting nowhere.  I really feel none of these Drs. know what’s going on.  Or maybe I just don’t want to hear it?  Maybe Dr. Sher was right and our only option is a gestational surrogate.  But we already said we would not go that route.  Or do we believe Dr. Braverman and spend 30k or whatever it is going down his rabbit hole.  I feel like it’s all such a scam.  In my business, all I get is notice after notice about compliance with the Affordable Care Act, but where is my fertility coverage?  Why do financial considerations have to enter my decision making process about trying for a child, but contraception and abortion and whatever else is covered?  Because you know what?  I think if it weren’t for the financial cost of a cycle with Braverman, I think we’d do it.  I would say let’s go for it.  But when do you say when?  When is enough enough? Maybe we should have another consult with Braverman and see what the actual cost would be and go from there.  Of course whatever they tell you, I’ve learned to double since they leave out a world of testing and labs and whatever else that gets added on top.  Maybe I’m just using the money as an excuse.  Maybe if I really wanted a child, this would not be a consideration.  Maybe this is just not meant to be.  Maybe I want to spend our time and resources doing something, anything, else.  Maybe I felt so strange in Dr. Fino’s office because I no longer belong there.  Perhaps our journey is over.  I am tired.  I am just tired of it all. I just want to get back to our life pre-infertility.  I am not even angry anymore.  I feel like, it is what it is, and we need to move on.