Illogical Anger

The other day I was flipping the channels and I landed on the Duggars. I’m actually one of the people that like the Duggars. They are living their lives the way they see fit, are hurting no one, and their kids all seem very happy to boot. I find the arguments about Michelle being irresponsible for continuing to get pregnant fairly ridiculous considering women have been having healthy babies well into their 40s for ages. My grandmother had her youngest at 42. I also got really excited when the older girls started “courting.” Of course, I mock the “side hugs” but that’s all part of the fun lol. Yes, I am ridiculously attached to people on reality TV. I mean, I personally would not want my children marrying in their early 20s, but to each their own. My aunt married at 21 and my mother in law was married at 19 and had my husband by 20. Everyone should live the life that suits them. But in this episode it came out that Jessa Duggar was pregnant.

I’m not sure why, but I was totally shocked. Infertility has given me this perception that no one can possibly get pregnant that easily. But they do. They have sex, get knocked up, and 9 months later, presto! Baby. And this realization that other people can get pregnant and have babies so easily just got me so angry. It’s like Jessa Duggar’s pregnancy was a personal affront to me and all our treatments and efforts. I yelled, “Really? Are you serious right now?!” Hubby who wasn’t in the room came in and asked what was wrong. Uh, Jessa Duggar is knocked up 5 seconds after she got married. What else could the poor guy do but just hug his wacko wife. To be honest, the last time I felt that kind of anger was after our last transfer in October. October 20th to be precise, the anniversary of hubby proposing marriage. Of course when we heard we were testing on October 20th, we decided it had to be good news. But it wasn’t. It was another failure. And the initial sadness and sorrow turned into this deep rooted anger. Why do other couples get pregnant without a problem? Are they better than us? What have we done? I thought by now that anger had gone, but I guess it’s just waned. It’s still there just waiting for a trigger. We still aren’t sure what our next steps will be if any. Should we go forward with Dr. Braverman or take an extended break? We are still talking and mulling and realize that the emotions are still too raw to make any decisions. Sometimes, realizing that you’re not ready to make a decision is decision enough for now.